Statistics
by Ciese
Summary: There's always room for success and failure. Human!AU, USUK


Sunshine... Glaring in my window...

And something heavy, furry, and golden on top of me.

"A-Dog... get off."

Bark.

"Dude, seriously. If you don't, I'm not taking you to the park later." He jumps off. I sit up and put my glasses on, watching the golden retriever dash out of the room.

He can be really cool sometimes, but he's also kind of hyper and likes to pounce on everything. My friends joke that he gets it from his namesake: me, because the A stands for Alfred. Or Awesome. Either one. Alfred _is_ awesome, anyway.

I forced myself to get out of bed with the prospect of coffee. Coffee is so good, man. Plus I have a new Batman mug!

A-Dog kept running circles around me while I was graced with the Dark Knight's coffee deliciousness. He knows today is Wednesday, which means Park Day, which means he gets to pee on everything in sight. I'm surprised he's not filling up on water right now.

I had to close the door when I was getting dressed because he was just watching me with his tail wagging insanely hard. It was kind of creepy.

After I got him to sit still and attached his leash, he was off again, pawing at the front door. "All right bro, is there something at the park that you're not telling me about?" I know dogs are... what's the word, perceptive? Perspective? Whatever. They can sense things. Maybe there's an evil villain preparing his attack at the park.

No, that can't be right. Because A-Dog would bother me to wear my Superman costume under my clothes.

"Whatever it is, we're ready to fight them! Right?" I punched the air with my free hand while A-Dog charged forward, dragging me with him.

* * *

We got here faster than usual, because for once, A-Dog didn't want to go down that one road and sniff at someone's female dog. He's really on a mission today.

"Hey, _hey_! Dude, slow down! We passed the ice cream lady!" He was leading me around the park, and every time I tried to stop, he just kept going. I didn't want to pull on the leash and hurt him, so I was forced to keep following. "_Where_ are you going?"

He paused at a line of bushes and pissed on a nearby tree. Fantastic.

Then he stopped and sat down, wagging his tail and staring at me. Really fantastic.

"Well if that's all you wanted to do for now, _I'm _going back for ice cream." I turned to walk back in the direction we came, when I slammed right into someone.

"Oh sh- I'm sorry!"

"Watch where you're fucking going. And were you talking to your dog?" The guy brushed himself off and glared at me.

I don't know if it was the extra coffee this morning, the sunlight streaming through the trees, or some romantic deity trying to tell me something, but this guy was _gorgeous_. He literally looked like an angel, but without the wings and the dress. His hair even made it look like he had a halo. And the thick eyebrows didn't off-set anything; they actually kind of made him cuter!

"Um..."

"Well? ... ah, so you're incapable of speaking with humans and must resort to communicating with animals to get your ideas across? Lovely. Unfortunately, I am not."

"Wh... you... you're really..." Why the hell can I suddenly not talk? This is important!

He tipped his head, but he wasn't wearing a hat. "Good day, then." The guy slipped past me and strolled off.

I just stared after his retreating form until he turned to enter the park's garden. That made me snap out of it, and I went back to A-Dog. "Is that why you dragged me here? That's my villain?"

He's eating the grass, not even paying attention to me.

"Hey! I'm talking to you!"

He then flops down and pants, watching me lazily.

"You're a weird dog." I grumbled, tying his leash to a tree. "I was serious about that ice cream though, stay here."

I doubt he can rip the tree out of the ground, so I just left for the ice cream stall.

This lady makes the best stuff, I swear. I don't even care if it's like 10 in the morning, I'm still getting some. I ordered a Rocky Road double scoop with a cone and looked around for that pretty guy.

There were some kids playing with a frisbee, a lady jogging, a couple sitting by the fountain...

I'm going to the garden next.

I got my cone and went back to A-Dog, who was now trying to eat a flower out of his reach. "Hey, stop that. You're not supposed to eat that." I scolded, but he ignored me and kept trying for it.

I untied him with one hand, like a boss, and walked him down the same way that the guy went. When I was turning the corner, for some reason I expected him to be right there, arms open, "Alfred, I've been waiting for you!" or something. Like he knows my name.

Instead I was just met with rows of flowers, and a guy picking a flower for another guy who shyly accepted it. Wait, is that Toris? Didn't know he had someone...

I walked A-Dog around, trying to keep him from eating or peeing on the flowers (again. He's actually done it before; I got in trouble for those times).

The golden retriever led me off in one direction again, this time to the big fountain in the center of the park. "You better be doing that awesome angel-tracking thing again..."

He darted up to the fountain when it was in view and chased the birds, but I held him back. "Hey, stop that! We're supposed to be looking for..."

My eyes wandered off to a bench where, lo and behold, that dude is sitting and reading a book.

I observed my target for a few moments, and then headed off towards him, with A-Dog eagerly following.

"Hey... um..."

His (really green!) eyes flicked up to me for a moment, then went back to the book.

"I... um... s-sorry... for the... the..."

He uncrossed his legs, then recrossed them again, still not looking at me.

"The... uh... the... thing..."

A page was turned and he still didn't even try to notice me.

But I said my apology! So I took my prize and sat down next to him. "What are you reading?"

"A book." He says simply.

"What's the book about?" I leaned forward to look at the title. He shifts so that he's not even facing me, so I tilted my head up and tried to read over his shoulder.

"Idiot. I can see your shadow." He slides to the other end of the bench. I scooted after him.

"Maybe I just want to talk to you?"

He hummed. "Well the feeling isn't mutual."

"Why not? Why can't we... uh... mutualize our feelings of talking?"

The book was snapped shut and he stood up, quickly walking off down another path. What is with this guy? Did I wrinkle his sweater-vest when I bumped into him or what?

A-Dog tugged at the leash to go after him, but I held him back. "No, man. You don't mess with angry angels. We'll come back after he steam-pressed his sweater-vest or whatever." I led him to a nearby outdoor café for lunch.

* * *

For the rest of the day, I kept trying to figure out how to talk to that eyebrow guy. I really felt like I had to. I also concluded that he wasn't the villain that A-Dog wanted me to fight; his stubborness to my awesomeness was the villain, and he was the damsel-man in distress that I had to save.

Heroes save everyone, especially the damsel-man in distress.

After a dinner of champions from McDonald's, I got on Google to look up some things.

This villain was going to be a tough one, so the hero needs to prepare for their next battle.

Through hunting around on some weird dating advice articles, I learned a few things: there's black-licorice scented cologne, talking to the bartender increases your chance of getting someone to talk to you, 48% of break-ups are through email, dates are attracted to happy people, the least popular flavor of edible underwear is chocolate, and your chances of getting someone's phone number increase threefold when you have a dog with you.

The last one really got my attention, because I had a dog with me, but eyebrow-angel was still fussy. Maybe he's just really hard-to-get, so I'll need more dogs?

I stood up dramatically from my chair, about to head to the pet store and buy every dog there, but then I thought, "Hey, doesn't Ludwig have, like, 3 dogs?"

I can walk them for him! The article didn't say anything about _owning_ the dogs; it just said I need them with me!

I whipped out my cell phone and scrolled through the contacts, clicking the green phone icon by his name.

"Guten Abend, this is-"

"Hi! It's Alfred!"

"Y-Yes, hello Alfred. Do you need help with your car again?"

"Nope!"

"Did you cut yourself peeling potatoes again? I told you, there's no hidden German secret to -"

"No, not that either."

"Then what is it? I'm busy." I heard his brother shouting in the background before a door closed.

"Can I walk your dogs tomorrow? What are their names... Ass-something, Brownie, and Blizzard?"

"... Aster, Blackie, Berlitz."

"Whatever, close enough."

He sighed. "Warum? Don't you have a dog of your own? You can't get two males to mate, if that's-"

"No no, I was trying to get a guy's phone number."

"... und you need dogs?"

"Yeah."

He sighed again. "I... suppose... I take them for walks every day anyway, though. How is this going to help... getting a man's phone number?"

"I read an article!" I grinned at the thought of my wickedly-cool plan. Angel-Eyebrows will be swooning when he sees me with this pack of dogs. 4 of them! You can't resist 4!

He sighs again! What is with the sighing? "Ja, ja, sure. You can come get them tomorrow morning." A click sounded as he hung up.

I sat down in my computer-chair and spun around for a while. 4 dogs! That's like... 12 times more likely!

But this is a powerful villain we're dealing with here. I need more, just to be safe!

I scanned my contacts, looking for people who I knew had dogs.

Hey, Kiku does! Calling!

"Moshi mo-"

"Heeeeyyyy Kiku!"

"Alfred-kun?"

"Yeah. Can I borrow your puppy tomorrow?"

"... Pochi-kun? What for?" I can hear him typing something on a keyboard.

I told him about the article and Ludwig's dogs! Kiku likes math; he'll know how much my chances will be increasing!

"Are you sure about this? There's always a chance that he rejects you anyway." More typing. What is he doing?

"Yeah, but 5 dogs now? You can't turn that down. Plus, your's is so cute! No one turns down a guy with a cute little fluff-ball."

He groans softly. "Ah well, it won't do him any harm..." Kiku makes another, more-positive sound. "Yes, you can take him. Just don't get him dirty."

We said our goodbyes and hung up. I punched the air enthusiastically. "Yeah! 5 dogs now!"

Thunk.

"Aww shit, my phone!" I scooped it up and tested the screen. "Didn't break! Fuck yeah, American ingenuity!"

Now I'm calling Tino, the Finnish guy who owns a cool spa-thingy. Sauna, or something.

"Hyvää iltaa, this is-"

"Hey Tino!"

"Oh, Alfred! Do you need something?"

"Yeah, your dog!"

"Hanatamago? What about her?"

I paused. "Wait- what does Hanatamago mean anyway?"

He laughed softly. "It means flower egg in Japanese. I thought it was cute~"

"Why is her name Japanese? Isn't she Finnish or something?"

"She was a present from Kiku, and it's rude to change the name, isn't it?" I heard shuffling in the background, and Tino said something to someone else, probably his co-worker boyfriend-thing.

"Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Can I borrow her tomorrow morning?"

"What for?"

Repeating my totally cool plan again. Tino's nice, why would he say no?

He said yes anyway! I thanked him and hung up.

Setting my phone safely on my bed this time, I hopped up and did a victory dance. The hero will be victorious!

A-Dog decided it'd be a fine time to run in and dance with me, which would be cool if he didn't bark from excitement.

"Hey- no, calm down. We don't need that guy next-door yelling at us again." I shushed him and pet his fur. "Tomorrow is the day."

* * *

After collecting my army of canines, stopping myself from playing video games with Gilbert, Kiku urging me to get my pretty man instead of playing games with him too, getting scared of Tino's boyfriend-thing and leaving (but definitely not running away!), and carrying Pochi because he kept running near wet grass, we made it to the park. With 6 dogs in my arsenal, no one can say no to me. I'm surprised there's not flocks of admirers already trailing after me.

I tried to stop at the ice cream lady, but Berlitz somehow managed to tug the whole group away.

I went to go check by the fountain, but Hanatamago started wailing when we went near the rushing water.

I led my group to the garden, but Blackie and A-Dog got in a fight over a child's abandoned jacket.

Eventually, I dragged the dogs over to a small hill with benches around it. I sat on a bench, and their leashes were tied to a metal arm.

Pout. This wasn't working. I haven't even seen the guy, let alone tried talking to him again. What the hell is going wrong?

I scowled and picked up a stick, doodling superhero logos into the dirt. I ended up getting so into making sure the wings on the Batman symbol are even that I didn't notice someone approaching me.

"I didn't know dogs could reproduce like rabbits." It was said with a haughty tone, but it made my heart leap anyway.

"You again!" I exclaimed, jerking my head up. There's no morning light giving him that ethereal glow, but he's still so damn beautiful!

He shrugged and sat on the bench next to me with pristine posture. "Really, how did... what, 4 more of them appear?" A-Dog sniffed at him, and the man shuffled away with a wrinkled nose.

"5." I held up Pochi. "I can't get him dirty, so I have to hold him."

He watched the dogs with an unreadable expression, moving away whenever one came too close.

"So, can I have your number?"

"Hm?" He looked up at me with wide eyes. "I beg your pardon?"

I gestured to the herd of dogs. "There's six of them here. So what's your phone number?"

He cringed. "Why in the Queen's name would I give you that information?"

"What? You can't say no to a guy when he was a ton of dogs with him."

His (perfect) mouth opened to say something, maybe agree with me, but A-Dog jumped up, putting his front paws on the guy's lap. Crying out, he pushed the dog off. "N-No! Fucking-" He shook his head and scooted to the far end of the bench, then turned back to me. "What is wrong with you?"

I groaned and recited the article's fact for the hundredth time. I guess this isn't common knowledge?

He gave me a blank stare, then laughed. It was soft, cute, and I hope he's not making fun of me. "You are definitely the most bizarre git I've ever met."

Is that a good thing? I frowned. "But we haven't really met yet. Kind of..." I slid across the bench so that I was right next to him, and then held my hand out. "Hi, my name is Alfred."

He watched me curiously, then cautiously shook my hand. "Arthur. And by the way, your little tactic only works on dog-loving people."

My hands dropped to my lap. "You're not a dog-lover?"

Arthur shook his head. "I prefer cats. Less..." He motioned to the pack of dogs, now sitting and one was pawing at the ground. "Rough-housing."

"O-Oh." I glanced down dejectedly. "I guess I still can't have your number?"

He smiled, amused, and shook his head again. "I'm afraid not. However, I will agree to meet you at that little café around the corner tomorrow afternoon."

I was about to ask what that had to do with anything, before I realized he was leaving me an opportunity for a date.

A date!

"Will you meet me at that little café around the corner tomorrow afternoon?" I grinned and bounced in my seat.

Arthur's smile didn't waver in the slightest. "Of course. By the way, don't bring the dogs this time."


End file.
